Sunday, June 21, 2009

6 ½ Reasons for Why the Apocalypse is going to be f#@&ing AWESOME!



 

6.  No bosses!  Everyone can agree when the apocalypse comes the one thing you won’t  have to worry about anymore is pissing off your boss.  That’s right.  Fuck it.  Treat everyday like you’re stuck in the movie Office Space.  Except, imagine it’s only you left, and no one else.  So what if you don’t get the benefit of having quirky co-workers who make you look and feel more like the cool, sincere slacker you really are.  Just know that you can achieve all you possibly can achieve if you put your mind to it.  Let that one settle while we go on to the next point.

5.  Gainful Employment!  While rejoicing the fact that you have no boss you can delight in the pleasure of becoming your own.  That’s right, you get to be in charge.  So what will you do with the new found freedom and responsibility, not having anyone looking over your shoulder every five minutes?   While you think about that, ponder some other reasons why the apocalypse is gonna rock your socks. 

4.  No Speed limit!  That’s right.  So, while you might have worried in the past about speeding to work so you won’t get in trouble with your boss, but too afraid to get pulled over by a cop to do it, your problems are solved.  First, you have no boss, you are your own boss now remember?  And second, well, there’s no cops.  But what makes this scenario even more fun is the fact that there is no one else around to cause traffic accidents, bottle necks, or to flat out cut you off from merging.  This is going to come in handy because while you might not be the only sole survivor, chances are you may find yourself in a situation where you have to make a fast getaway, perhaps from someone else who has decided to be their own boss too. 

3.  Looting!  Why else would you need to make a fast getaway?  And if you don’t have to worry about making the getaway, well, lets just say there’s going to be lots of stuff to go around.  And by stuff I mean all that stuff cluttering up your old boss’s house who happens to be one of the billion or so who didn’t make it through the apocalypse like you did.  Not to mention the fact that all the cool stuff from all the cool stores that you couldn’t afford is now on sale, 100% off!  The only problem of course is the fact that probably half the stuff you want to buy is electronic and well, there’s not going to be much electricity after you know, when the lights go out. 

2.  Shooting!  This skill goes hand in hand with all aforementioned.  Nothing says self employed like aiming down the barrel of a 12 gauge shotgun.  With no cops around to tell you to put your gun away, you can sling it around and shoot at anything and everything.  No problem.  That is of course until you start running out of ammo.  In which case you mind want to conserve some for picking off other looters who are trying to loot stuff on your turf.  Simple enough.  Of course, the catch to all this is all the other self employed survivals who’s number one job tool is also the 12 gauge shotgun.  In which case, shoot first and ask questions later. 

1.  Free Parking!  After a hard days work of looting, shooting, and getting shot at you’ll need a place to park after speeding back to your hideout.  Fortunately you don’t have to worry about meter mades and parking police anymore! 

½  Silence...  It's a halfway awesome reason because it's also halfway craptastic.  You've been driving fast, being your own boss all day, shooting stuff up on your way to that free parking space and so now what do you do when you get there?  Sleep?  Eat?  Play yourself in a game a chess?  It will both suck and be pretty nice at the same time.  Would you really want to be reminded constantly about how lonely you are after the world ends?  Seriously, what kind of person are you?

Thanks be to the end!

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