Wednesday, July 22, 2009

10 things video games have taught us that can get us through the End Times

Here is a fantastic scenario: you are walking down the street enjoying a smoothie or a nice cup of coffee, when out of no where you are attacked by a horde of zombies. Maybe they aren't zombies but rather they are aliens or even worse mutants from a nuclear fallout. The Apocalypse can strike at anytime and the only people that will make it are the ones who know how to plan ahead. These 10 things should be sufficient to help last until mankind can rebuild our society.

1) A sawed off shotgun- This guy can become your best friend and you better be sleeping with it clutched in your cold not-quite-dead-yet hands.   If video games have taught us one thing about guns its this: it may be simple, it may not be elegant, but a shotgun is a real nice way to fuck up somebody's day.  While the reload time sucks, this will inflict major damage on whatever is trying to maim or eat you. Just make sure you aim for the face (provided your foe has a face). Now, you better believe this is not going to be your only firearm.

2) Assault Rifle- All video games have them and everyone in real life wants one.  Why?  Simple.  This weapon will give you three things: it is easy to reload, it fires rapidly, and it is light in weight. While your sawed off shotgun will be awesome for blowing your enemies faces off at close range, this all important tool will give you some range so that you can put more mileage between you and your target.  That's not all though, it's versatility as a "crowd control" device can be just as useful when spraying into hordes of oncoming bad guys.  You won't know which to use though in what situation unless you have this next thing.

3) Intellegence.  It's important to be smart, have situational awareness, all that stuff and it's also equally important to know you foe- What are you facing? Inbred human tribes, aliens, zombies, mutants, demons? You need to know your enemy. You can't waste time and resources to only find out all those Molotov cocktails you threw are actually making the giant bug monsters larger. You need to observe your enemy, possibly capture one of their young or their weaker comrades and experiment.  You need to know when and what type of situation you should use which particular weapon.  Like if you're up against robots--are you going to shot your pistol that them?  No.  You're going to find some ions grenades and lob those at them.  Or, you're going to disable their control deck and hack into their mother board.  Easy as pie.
But letes face it, vven though you may know your enemy, things may still get hairy fast and you're going to need to get away quickly.

4) A car- The trick here is to have a automobile that is durable, has good gas mileage, and can accommodate your entire party. This no time to live out a fantasy of driving someone's abandoned Jag or sticking to your eco convictions with the Prius. You need something rugged that can plow though mobs but still has a good get up and go ability.  Easy to maintain would be a good one.  The fewer fancy parts the better.  Most apocalyptic video games don't let you use vehicles.  It's a shame too.  Now while you think on that, think on this: stamina.

5) Stamina- I will say it right now, and not that I am the most athletic person, but if you can't run a mile as fast as you can without stopping then you will die! Apocalyptic fiends are not fond of waiting for you to catch you breath. So if your only experience with the Apocalypse is Fallout and Left 4 Dead, then you need to get off your ass and exercise. Now to keep you stamina you will need some munchies...

6) Food- This one is kind of a no brainer but your body will still need nourishment during the Apocalypse and it will be important to know where to acquire such food. Abandoned grocery store are the first place to check, but remember you will be limited to what is up for grabs. You may not have the ability to cook what you get so look for non-perishable foods that can be eaten raw. Also, assume tha you will potentially be walking, so keep in mind weight. While all those can of Vienna Sausages look great now, they will be the death of you (literally) when trying to run from the horde. The grocery is not the only place to find food. Depending on which Apocalypse you find yourself in, you may still be able to find foods in the wild. Providing this isn't a nuclear waste land you should still be able to hunt, fish, and look for fruits and veggies in the wild. If you are in fallout type situation, you are no screwed. You have evolution on your side. The human body can adapt to different foods, so just experiment. I recommend having the whiney rich guy that no one likes be the guinea pig. With all this food, you will need a way of keeping up with up with it.

7)  Charisma--the power of persuasion is priceless.  Nothing like relying on your sweet charms and debonair  to coerce people into giving you stuff.  Taken to the extreme, you could become the leader of a small tribe of humans battling to stay free--or enslave other humans under your tyrannical wrath.  Your choice.  Either way, if you want to insure you'll stay alive, you'd better be prepared to be highly medicated.  No matter how much charisma you have, no one will want to have anything to do with you if you come down with small pox.  So try and stay healthy.  

8)  A good Med kit--what makes a good med kit?  Pain killers definitely gotta in there.  Also, clean bandages.  All video games, post-apocalyptic or not, have medkits, they're crucial.  Duh.  What's super important above all--antibiotics.  Penicillin is going to be the new petroleum.  Anti-biotic cream will come in handy as well.  Also going to need need and thread for stitches, as well as tweezers, sharp knives for home surgeries, and did we mention a good pain killer?

9)  Radio Device--There's usually a mission in post apocalyptic games or really most video games that sends you out to go repair a radio device.  Knowledge of this repair might come in useful so I'd start studying actual radios and how they work--right now.  It's important that you look for other survivors or coordinate with others in whatever type of resistance/war you'll become embroiled in.  After all, John Connor wouldn't be the post-apocalyptic Mesiah and at the top of SkyNet's most wanted list if it weren't for his handy dandy radio transmitter.  

10)  Lastly, another crucial and life saving device is going to be a flashlight.  While you'd hope you'll never find yourself walking around the ruins of the wasteland around you at night, you can walk a little easier knowing your way is lit.  You must use caution though.  A flashlight is just as harmful as it is useful because while it can give away your position and signal to other survivors where you are, it can also signal to whatever zombies, alien, robots, or enemy humans who are on the hunt for you.  I'd suggest something big, like a big-ass maglight. 

In the end though, lets face it.  Even with the ten helpful hints and suggestions we've provided above, you're most likely going to be a part of the billions who die in the initial--whatever--it is that goes off.  So, unless you're just one really lucky bastard, who reads this blog, and survives, and is then able to find all these useful things, you might--just might--have a chance.  But probably not.

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