Since capitalizing on recent celebrity deaths is all the rage nowadays we here at the Apocalypse Blog feel compelled to do our part. It's sad that people die. Yet; one person, one special person who danced really well, sang pretty, donated lots of money to charities, and built his own personal amusement park, is all the American News Media Wants to talk about. For the first time in ages I actually watched Fox News because, while I wouldn't call what they do reporting, they were at least running Michael Jackson stories at less of a rate than MSNBC, CNN, HLN, MTV, E, and VH1. It seems MJ's death, (and yes, anyone who is in the "KNOW" calls him 'MJ') is the only thing the news and every major media outlet can talk about.
So here's a retrospective on where we are in relationship to the end of the world now that Michael Jackson has died and stopped breathing the same air we breath.
For starters, 1.7 million other people, some of who didn't dance so well or sing so pretty, happened to die as well. Not to make MJ feel so alone, statistically speaking, some of them had to be child molesters and drug abusers as well as having family problems that probably caused all of that to begin with. Some of them were other celebrities. According to census reports with 146,357 people dying each, that leaves quite a few dead after the twelve days spanning Jackson's death and funeral.
In the meantime, while I was glued trying to figure out some kind of secret code to the end of the world hidden within the news of Jackson's downfall, North Korea figured out a code of their own and launched a successful cyber attack against the US. This wasn't the typical forum flaming, "LAWLS.. USA SUCK A DICK NOOBFACE ROFL COPTER... KIM JON IL JUST PWNED YOU LIKE A BITCH," from what I understand it was a little more serious than all that.
Also, Obama sent the Marines into southern Afghanistan. Some died, but who cares? MJ's babies' mama is pissed she doesn't have custody. Well, good news, there's so many ongoing custody cases in the US that they can't all be counted. So at least we know she's not alone.
And lastly, while Michael Jackson had a nearly state sponsored funeral/rock concert in his name to send him off, most of us will die and have only a few sad relatives and friends in attendance. Our funerals will end up costing our families thousands of dollars, most of which they'll have to pay on their own. Michael Jackson's funeral costs over 1.5 million dollars and his family is asking fans and friends for donations to help them pay for it. For a man who was once valued at being worth hundreds of millions of dollars, surely there's a spare million and a half lying around somewhere.
If all of this is leaving you quite baffled, fear not. If you're wondering what all this has to do with the impending apocalypse then chew on this for a second. Thirteen news and media channels (by my count) carried the live coverage of Michael Jackson's funeral. five of which are not even news channels. What channels you ask? Well, there's ABC, NBC, CBS, MSNBC, NBC WallStreet, CNN, HLN, FOX NEWS, MTV, VH1, BET, E, WGN, That's more stations that cover presidential declarations of war, State of the Unions, and press conferences announcing giant space rocks are on collision courses with planet Earth. If you're not baffled by any of this then there has got to be something wrong with you. An important person died but he was no Albert Einstein, John F. Kennedy, Gandhi, or Mother Theresa, so lets remember that. Something is wrong when we live in a world that values its entertainers more than its leaders and problem solvers. The end must be near.
Thanks be to the end!